his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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