I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
