I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
