I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I know her cup size but not her name....
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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