he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
