The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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