you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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