There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
