Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i love accidental penises.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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