my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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