I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
