yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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