quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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