I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
