i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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