yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
