If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I die, sorry about rent.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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