Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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