Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
