thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
