Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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