Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
