I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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