So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
