I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
