I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
