If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize