he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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