She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
