I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize