i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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