Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
