Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
