There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
