Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
