Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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