just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
