I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
