I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
