There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
