Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it because I queefed?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As shirtless as possible
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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