this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
