I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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