My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
