He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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