wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
