last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
