dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The power of my boobs compel you
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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