I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
