Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
