what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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