So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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