She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
