miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
