After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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