I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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