hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
