he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Randomize
