You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
