Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
