Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
