you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
