we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
