The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
