nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
